Brown tells Pope: Recession not my fault!

POPE Benedict XVI has told Gordon Brown that he has believed some crazy, crazy s--t in his time but he's not buying that crap.

During an audience in Rome yesterday Mr Brown said Britain was facing a deep recession and its people were suffering, but insisted none of it had anything to do with him.

Pope Benedict told the prime minister: "Are you taking the f--king piss sunshine? eh? This is the Vatican, you can't just come in here and start taking the piss, y'know.

"Listen chum, I believe that a 14 year-old girl got pregnant by the 'Holy Spirit' and that the child was the Son of God and also God at the same time, whatever that means. "I believe that he walked on water, that he raised the dead and that he fed 5000 people with a few baskets of halibut.

"I believe that he was killed and then came back to life all in the same weekend and believe you me I know how busy my easter weekends can be matey!".

"Not only that, but I also believe some really weird shit about dead, unbaptised babies being condemned to limbo. And, between you and me, see that cup overthere, it ain't no cup, man! that's the f--king holy grail - I won in poker game from the Archbishop of Cantebury, yeah the C of E were well pissed about that one!".

"Now given all that, it's understandable that you would expect me to swallow just about anything, but what you just said sounds like a lot of arse to me."

The Pontiff added: "It doesn't take some kind of genius Pope to work out that your problems are based on a weak regulatory system and excessive government debt, high taxation and even higher government f--king spending you dumb s--t, all of which have been your responsibility for 11 and a half years - more to the point, institutions like the London School of Economics and hundreds of leading economists were crying out as early as 2004 that your budgets were, for want of a better word, - f--ked. But you, yes you, chose to ignore them and now you come over here saying s--t like that in my office?"

"Not your fault? Get the f--k out of my office before I have you thrown out", later adding "what a tosser".

Secret US Airbase in Pakistan no longer a secret (nor are the non-secret US airbases in Jacobabad, Pasni and Dalbadin)

The popular web giant Google has caused outrage among the US and UK public when an image of a secret US airbase inside Pakistan was secretly revealed today. A disturbed and frightened briton, Ben Philips said "oh my God - how has this become public knowledge, I assumed the drones we are using over there that have secretly littered the news with their bombing sorties since we went into Afghanistan back in October 2001 never had to land, ever - not even for rearmament or fuel, not even secretly".

It has been reported countless times since the US led invasion in October 2001 that the US was secretly flying unmanned drones secretly from Pakistan's secret southwestern province of Baluchistan, secretly.

The image — that is no longer on the site but which was obtained by The News, Pakistan's English language daily newspaper — shows what appear to be three Predator drones outside a hangar at the end of the runway.

The Pakistani Government said in 2006 that the Americans had left and since this image was taken in 2006 Google spokesman Tim Burton-Farley announced "please stop bothering me".

Major-General Athar Abbas, Pakistan's chief military spokesman said today "shhhhh!". He also said that the Americans were using another air base in the city of Jacobabad for logistics and military operations although this is not a secret as such has not made any front page news, secretly. Pakistan gave the US permission to use Shamsi, Jacobabad and two other bases — Pasni and Dalbadin — for the invasion of Afghanistan in October 2001 - mainly because the US is bankrolling the Pakistan Government.

An even more frightened Pakistani said quite intelligently "what the f--k have you UK and US civilians got to be frightened of?" before adding "it is quite imperative that Pakistan develops a good strong economy. Also, the Zadari led Government should practise more ethical leadership and not be perverted by corruption at the highest level of leadership - a thorn that has plagued previous Bhutto administrations. This is in turn will ensure that Pakistan will have a prosperous future and we, as a nation, will not be repeating the last 60 years of corrupt democratic government, being replaced by corrupt military Junta leadership, being replaced by corrupt democratic government - all bank rolled, corruptly by the US, secretly!".

A secret CIA spokesman said secretly "shhhhh!".

British commuters thick as pig s--t

British commuters pay rail fares twice as high as those in other major European countries, research by the passenger watchdog has found.

Passenger Focus is demanding a fundamental review of the pricing structure. It says that the Government's policy of raising fares above inflation every year until 2014 should be scrapped because it is unfair and causing hardship.Fiona Wilson from the institute of studies added "it doesn't help either as the UK electorate put up with this crap yet time and time again they re-elect this shower of s--t running this country".

The government-funded watchdog, which is usually reluctant to criticise ministers, will publish today the first authoritative comparison of fares in Britain and elsewhere in Europe.

According to the research, the average cost of annual season tickets for journeys of 11 to 25 miles is £1,860 in Britain but £990 in France, £944 in Germany and £788 in Spain. Italy has the cheapest season tickets, at £444.

Passenger Focus said that Britain had among the cheapest "theoretically available" long-distance fares in Europe adding "but gravity is only a theory, right? but would you jump off a very tall building to test this theory? So who the hell is wants to buy the cheapest long distance ticket in Europe when people just want to travel to work and then back home - admittedly we just like making stupid irrelevant comments - anyone seen any tall buildings?".

Train companies, which charge passengers the full fare if they miss their booked train, refuse to say how many of the cheapest tickets they make available on each service. Aspokesman for the train companies, Tim Burton-Farley, said today "if you don't like it then use someone elses God-damned rail line - oh yeah that's right we own all the railway lines - so we will charge what we bloody well like - so whaty'gonna do big boy - I'll tell ya' - not fricking much, so there! - jeez man ever heard of a mon-op-oly, well actually it's more like a racket - but a legal racket!".

Commuter and labour voter, Ben Philips commented "I keep paying these fares because otherwise I don't get to work, if I don't get to work then I don't get paid, if I don't get paid I can't pay my bills, if I can't pay my bills then lose my house, if I lose my house then..." before adding "hang on one minute do we not have a system in this country whereby if your not happy then we can vote and make changes? This is a fantastic idea - I wonder if I vote labour again they will change this for me".

Mandelson admits: "truth is my Kryptonite"

The business secretary, Peter Mandelson, has launched an extraordinary tirade against the head of the Starbucks coffee empire, accusing him of spreading gloom about the status of the British economy.

Earlier, angered at remarks by Starbucks chairman, Howard Schultz – who said the UK was in an economic "spiral" with "very, very poor" consumer confidence; adding "ok, listen. I'm a business man - have been for many years. I have tonne of buiness experience and expertise and making loads of cash is what I do best and I know a rotting donkey when I smell a rotting donkey" – Mandelson had accused him of spreading unnecessary misery and speaking out of turn and said "God damn, has Jacqui not passed anti-truth law yet - this coffee chap is making me work, jeez!".

At a diplomatic cocktail reception in New York, he said: "Why should I have this guy running down the country? Who the f--k is he? If I was ever to run a business it sure wouldn't be some stupid coffee bean house - I mean what's the point. I had a go once, well, when I say business I mean country, yeah me and me chums 'masterminded' this old political-party, and now we own loads of banks - now if that ain't good I dunno what is, man! that's where the money is man! seriously loads of free cash.. - " before being interrupted by a junior labour spokesman.

Schultz singled out Britain as a source of anxiety for Starbucks – which has stores in 49 countries – during an interview with the CNBC television channel. "The place that concerns us the most is western Europe, and specifically the UK," he said. "The UK is in a spiral."

Mandelson heard Schultz's remarks while waiting to appear on the same television show and, once on screen, immediately took him to task.

"The UK is not spiralling, now I'll have you know - and I know just what a spiral is - and this is not a spiral, I mean - for christsakes have you ever seen a spiral. No? then what the hell is all this spiral talk about spiralling about?" he said, and then adding "Yeah, we own the banks, our tax payer uses our banks, we take money off the taxpayer, they pay the banks, did I mention we own the banks, then the taxpayer get credit from the banks, then the taxpayer pays for the banks and then we own the banks, then the banks make money from the tax payer who uses the banks, oh yeah, and we own the banks too y'know!!! - Ha! spiral my arse!"

Abu Qatada promises to be a very, very good little boy

The radical gobsh--e Abu Qatada is to appeal against the law lords' ruling today that he can be deported from the UK in spite of fears that he may be tortured abroad, his legal team has said "our client has added that your western attitude for tolerance, justice and equality is the only hope I have saving myself from much physical pain and torture - yet give me some hydrogen peroxide and some other special stuff and I'll really ruin your day - y'all get me y'western pigs!".

Jacqui Smith, the home secretary, has signed a deportation order to be served on Qatada immediately adding "do I get an expenses receipt for signing whatever this is?".

The cleric's lawyer, Gareth Peirce, added they had lodged an appeal at the European court of human rights, which could take as long as two years to decide on the matter - only, but only if Mr Qatada promises to be a really, really good little boy and not to start playing with naughty chemicals that fizz and bang and make lots and lots of smoke; smokey wokey no no no burney-burney-hot.

He described the ruling as a "bad message to send out to the world" adding "I for one enjoy the warm feeling knowing it is right and proper that should Mr Qatada feel the need to threaten to bomb the s--t out of London, Manchester and Birmingham then I firmly believe he should - er - hang on, that's not right? is it? or proper either!".

The law lords backed the Home Office's challenge against a court of appeal ruling that Qatada could not be deported because he might not receive fair treatment in Jordan, where he claimed evidence against him had been extracted by torture.

Ms Smith said: "I'm delighted with the lords' decision today" adding "do I get paid my expenses now?".

At a time when the Obama administration is cleaning house and renouncing torture, today's ruling shows the UK still clinging to paper promises from torturers". A spokesman from the Jordanian institue of studies added "it is true we have signed paper to say torture naughty naughty - but between me and you, what is piece of paper ah-ha-ha-haa, Mbasa! Have you seen my collection of pointy sticks ah-ha-ha-haa, Mbasa!"

Gordon Brown today rejected suggestions he was ready to screw-up the world

Gordon Brown today rejected suggestions he was ready to quit as Prime Minister to head the new role of 'global financial regulator' adding "I want to, at least, have one successful day in the job I am doing now".

The prime minister used his monthly Downing Street press conference to insist his priority was with "the needs of hardworking families who are worried about their homes and jobs that I have f---ed over the last 12 years in which time, I alone, have controlled the UK economy. Oh and, my votes just ain't looking too good". Adding "I gotsta start blaggin' these muppets - Jacqui says she can jail most of the brainy people who won't vote for me - y'see, 'coz while their doin' bird - they won't be able to vote - genius, y'know what I mean, then the stupid - well that's dead easy, that one is! Alistair is already stock piling the turkey twistlers while we still have some money left in petty cash, we will be giving 'em away free - I can see the posters already - one vote for labour and you too can get free a twistler dinner. This will make people use gas too which will make the ecomic, ecomonomno, that eco thing better - and its greener too!!"

Paliament sleaze watchdog can't wait for a "reet good feed"

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has said "any questions - can be directed at that wall" as Parliament's sleaze watchdog queried why she is even staying up to 2 nights a week at the "second home" and claiming £116,000 in expenses insisting she has "done nowt wrong, man, 'am only followin' the rules, man - jeez - chill out, man!".

Standards Commissioner John Lyon was said to be "completely beside himself with shock" and asked her to explain claims by her London neighbours that she spends as little as two nights a week at that address saying "well this is just terrible; Ms Smith has had to stay at home - I for one have been staying as the Hilton for the last 5 months, all free, man! well tax-payer free, y'know!".

Parliament's sleaze watchdog spokeswoman, Fiona Wilson, has announced "we will indeed be investigating this thoroughly with Ms Smith over a lovely 5-course-er with 'russian coffees all round' for afters - and I for one can only just get through 3 courses - then I have to leave all the rest - it's such a shame, but I would like to add that that fat pig ain't picking up this reciept, that douchey has my name writ' all over it - we'll let her have the taxi fare one though".

Ms Smith named her sister's London home as her main residence and her family home in Redditch as her "second home".

The latest in a line of complaints comes from Ms Smith's neighbours in London, Dominic and Jessica Taplin, the Home Office has confirmed.

After speaking to the Mail on Sunday, Mr and Mrs Taplin are understood to have written to the Commons fees office, which looks after MPs' expenses. The couple initially contacted Conservative leader David Cameron by e-mail to bring their concerns to his attention, Tory sources have confirmed. Mr Cameron's office told the Taplins should "shut the f--k up".