Paliament sleaze watchdog can't wait for a "reet good feed"

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has said "any questions - can be directed at that wall" as Parliament's sleaze watchdog queried why she is even staying up to 2 nights a week at the "second home" and claiming £116,000 in expenses insisting she has "done nowt wrong, man, 'am only followin' the rules, man - jeez - chill out, man!".

Standards Commissioner John Lyon was said to be "completely beside himself with shock" and asked her to explain claims by her London neighbours that she spends as little as two nights a week at that address saying "well this is just terrible; Ms Smith has had to stay at home - I for one have been staying as the Hilton for the last 5 months, all free, man! well tax-payer free, y'know!".

Parliament's sleaze watchdog spokeswoman, Fiona Wilson, has announced "we will indeed be investigating this thoroughly with Ms Smith over a lovely 5-course-er with 'russian coffees all round' for afters - and I for one can only just get through 3 courses - then I have to leave all the rest - it's such a shame, but I would like to add that that fat pig ain't picking up this reciept, that douchey has my name writ' all over it - we'll let her have the taxi fare one though".

Ms Smith named her sister's London home as her main residence and her family home in Redditch as her "second home".

The latest in a line of complaints comes from Ms Smith's neighbours in London, Dominic and Jessica Taplin, the Home Office has confirmed.

After speaking to the Mail on Sunday, Mr and Mrs Taplin are understood to have written to the Commons fees office, which looks after MPs' expenses. The couple initially contacted Conservative leader David Cameron by e-mail to bring their concerns to his attention, Tory sources have confirmed. Mr Cameron's office told the Taplins should "shut the f--k up".